• his whereabouts
• the reasons for his actions
• money
• how he uses his time
• his porn use or masturbation
• extramarital sex or emotional affairs
• anything else

• doesn't seem to share his thoughts & feelings to the point where you're not sure what he thinks or how he feels most the time
• gives excuses for withholding like, "you wouldn't be interested"
• maintains an attitude of cool indifference
• doesn't really answer questions
• plays dumb when you ask him questions
• doesn't give you financial information you need, like the bank login or how much he makes a month
• gets mad and stomps out

• “You're too sensitive”
• “You're jumping to conclusions”
• “You blow everything out of proportion”
• “You see everything in the worst possible light”
• “You take things too seriously”
• “You think you know it all”
• “You always have to have something to complain about”
• “You're trying to start something”
• “You're not happy unless you're complaining”
• “You take everything wrong”
• “You read things into my words”
• “You twist everything around”
• “You're looking for a fight”

He might do something like...


• make everyone in the house miserable and beholden to his moods
• refuse to acknowledge when things are weird
• pretend like things are fine when they're obviously not

• “You’re my ball and chain”
• “You would get it if you were smarter”
• “Competent is as competent does”
• “You're just like your mother”
• “What else can you expect from a woman?”
• “You couldn't find your head if it wasn't attached”
• “That’s what I get for marring a red-head”
• “Your ‘blond’ is showing”

When you confront him about it, he says something like...


• “You don't have a sense of humor”
• "You can't take a joke"

• he pretends not to hear you
• he storms out, stopping the conversation in its tracks
• he refuses to discuss important things that need to be discussed
• he looks at something (phone or book) while you're talking

He says things like...


• “You're just trying to have the last word”
• “You know what I meant”
• “You think you know it all”
• “You heard me: I shouldn't have to repeat myself”
• “You're talking out of turn”
• “I don't see where this is going
• The discussion is ended”
• “That's a lot of crap”
• “Will you get off my back”
• “You always have to be right”
• “Quit yakking”
• “Who asked for your opinion?”

• “What are you worried about you have plenty to spend”
• “There's no way I'm going to go through all those receipts”
• “It costs money to stay in business so quit harassing me”
• “I’m not going to try to explain to you how the corporate retirement programs are set up”
• “Don't complain to me till you're earning [what he earns or more]”
• “I've explained it all to you before, and I'm not going to go through it again”
• “All you married me for is my money”
• “Do I have to account for every penny”
• “How about you account for every penny you spend”
• “I'm sick of your complaints”
• “If you think it's so simple, then you do my job and do the taxes”
• “Just drop it
• "I don't need this”
• “It's too complicated for you to understand”

• "You don't respect me"
• "You don't love me"
• "You've never been supportive of me"
• “If you won’t have sex with me, who are you having it with?”

• “When you pester me like that of course I'm going to get mad”
• “I wouldn't have to look at porn if you'd meet my sexual needs"
• “I was going to do it, but not if you're going to keep bugging me about it”
• “You don't do anything around here. I always have to..."

• “The trouble with you is . . .”
• “You're a liar”
• “You're never satisfied”
• “You're a lousy winner”
• “You're stupid”
• “You can't let well enough alone”
• “You don't take responsibility for your part”
• "You don't care about other people"
• "You don't care about being a good mom"

• "You can't get it together"
• "You never stick with anything"
• "You forget everything"
• "You never stop nagging"

For example...


• After you spent several weeks organizing your storage room, he says, “Wow! I'm impressed with how you got those names to fit on all those little itty bitty labels” rather than commenting on the magnitude of the task
• After you commented that you've finally created a monthly meal plan, your husband says, “Well, isn't it nice you have something to do while I'm at work”
• You work hard to take care of a rental property you purchased before you married (you're the sole owner). He tells a friend, "We have a rental property, it basically takes care of itself"

• You say, "What a pretty flower!" He says, “A flower's a flower”
• You say, "I'd like to find out if there are any_____.” He says, “What's the point?” or “Why bother?"

• prioritizes his own personal wants over anything else (ie purchases drugs/alcohol/entertainment before considering impact on the family)
• there are hours and days of unaccounted for time - when he leaves you to deal with all family responsibilities like childcare, household tasks, grocery shopping, taking you for granted and doing whatever he wants without considering the impact to you and the kids

• conveniently “forgets” the incident after he yells at you
• consistently forgets the promises which are most important to you
• forgets important conversations where issues were decided upon

• “I never said that”
• “You're making that all up”
• “We never had that conversation”
• “You're getting upset about nothing”
• “I don't know where you got that”

• “Get rid of this”
• “Get in here and clean this up”
• “You're not going out now”
• “You're not wearing that”
• “Shut that off”

• “Look, if you think you know what you're doing, why don't you be the main breadwinner around here"
• "I hate it when you do that. You know when you do things like this it makes me very angry"
• “If you're gonna act like that, I'm gonna... ”
• “If you don't meet my sexual needs, I get depressed”
• “If you _______, I'll...”

• yells at you
• snaps at you
• rages at you
• glares at you

He uses his anger to control you. And if you don't do what he wants and instead try to collaborate or solve the actual problem, he...

• he denies his anger outright by saying something like "I'm not angry"
• blames you

The anger is un-predictable. He may use physical intimidation (which is a non-verbal threat)...

• clench his teeth
• clench his fist
• get super close to your face
• punch walls or throw things